Loud and Clear...

Today was very gloomy day. Not because of the weather, which is so much unlike spring, but because of the morning event. The day started alright though; I had a pleasant bike ride to work, wrapped myself in many layers and went on with cutting the rushes in the corner of the field. Then the boss came and it’s what he told me that made me extremely upset. I told him about my Friday job interview yesterday and he seemed to be fine with it. Only after he slept on it and did a bit of thinking, he changed his mind. Today he came with a suggestion that we will make my post at his business casual rather than permanent, because I started volunteering at National Trust one day a week and I am leaving out days every now and then to attend to job interviews. As he put it, by doing that I am not showing enough commitment for my current job. I don’t know what else he has said because by that time I was squatting on the ground and my eyes full of tears, sobbing regardless of his presence. It confused him a bit and he started waffling about how he has not seen the cats for a few days and how the weather is getting warmer, but I did not respond to anything so he walked away. And I was there, sitting on the ground and crying over something that I was striving for since I came to this country. Basically, he is not happy with me applying for jobs and going to the interviews, because that means a potential loss of an employee, who he can rely on, who works hard and who works for peanuts, thus very difficult to be replaced. He is convinced, that he can offer me better career prospect than anybody else. Barrowing manure and clipping fruit bushes. I wonder what the promotion would bring. I was never really ambitious and career driven, but I aspire for a bit more that that. I have two degrees for God’s sake! I dislike using argument of having such and such degrees to prove intelligence or ability, but if I wanted to dedicate my life to barrowing manure, I would hardly ever have gone to the university and underwent what I have undergone in order to have enough money for tuition fees. I did not work as a domestic cleaner in Manchester for two years and as office cleaner while studying for nothing, certainly not to become a gardener. Nothing against gardeners, it is a lovely job giving awesome results, but first someone will have to prove to me, that I can’t do anything better than that and then I’ll be happy to do the gardening for the rest of my life. Only a foolish person would be so naïve and suppose that I will linger in that job for years to come. I think I made it crystal clear at the beginning, hinting that it is not exactly my dream job, but I will be happy to do it until something better turns up. Certainly happier than working in the retail at Moto Forton services, which was my other option. Once you are turned down your JSA claim and you are on the brink of existential problems, you can’t be very picky.

So all my joy and pride and satisfaction of getting interview again was instantly abused, torn, smashed, beaten and trodden upon. That is why the tears came without warning. Why should I feel bad for pursuing my dream!? The organic fruit farming business is his dream, and I am helping him to achieve it as good as I can. I am now old enough to know that first of all I have to watch my own interest to achieve my goals and then consider others. I am not person without a backbone; I try never to harm anybody else, so why do I never get the same treatment?

Just how many more years will I have to live in this country to be accepted and respected like anybody else? To hell with all the equal opportunities which everyone boasts about practicing! The reality is very different. “Oh, you are from Slovakia” (you can feel that disappointment, pity and anxiety about contagious diseases almost palpably). I am fed up to the marrow of my bones with having to prove myself all the time. On a day like today I feel like booking the first available ticket home and leave for good. Fortunately, I am a fighter, so as soon as the tears dry out, the wound heals and the skin becomes tougher, less penetrable, more resistant and stronger. So in fact, these people are actually helping me to work harder and get even more motivation. All those who consider me being inferior should reconsider. They should spend some time thinking about if and when they had courage to leave their home country and went to study in a language that is not their native language, managed to get the degree and started building their career. Without a support and presence of their family and people they left behind. The world is not revolving around the UK as many people seem to think, I am British, and who is more kind of attitude.

Yes, acceptance and recognition is what I was striving for and I thought I succeeded, yet today was the day when the pink bubbles burst once again. There is this person who I know who keeps referring to people from my country as dirty Slovaks and dodgy people and I am often wondering if it is meant as a joke, or is he expressing the well established public opinion.

How could I have a healthy confidence when my person, origin, appearance, behaviour and language are so many times frowned upon? Who gives all these people right to be so condescending and deny the equality of all human beings?

After boss left I was engaging my mind with this for the rest of the day and slowly but surely I fished out several “incidents” well embedded in my memory. Such as my ex-housemate offering me a fiver for cleaning his room, my current housemate saying she could not believe I (!!) got a job interview, or one of my ex-housemates annoyed with being beaten in the general knowledge board game “ EVEN by Lenka”. I think it is extremely rude and offensive. I am not the brightest person in this universe, but neither am I the dumbest one. So why all the humiliation and arrogance? How did I deserve it? How does the command of foreign language reflect the mental ability? I am sick of all those people thinking that I am just about good enough to do manual labour, at most. Sod all you narrow-minded and self-centred people who don’t see further than the tip of your nose!

I am turning 26 on Sunday, the age in which many people have well established careers, secure income etc. I am still at the beginning and there is a long way to go, but I believe that with the plentiful help of many “nice” people I have come across and who I am yet to meet, I will sooner or later get where I want to be.

Done. The last bitter drop of anger was squeezed from my heart.

Open Adventure 2 or How We Lost It Again

After nearly two months of “thorough” training (cycling to and from work daily plus an odd run last Friday), we were going to try our luck again in adventure racing last Sunday. This time the event was taking place in North Pennines, in Hamsterley Forest. Since it is miles away from Lancaster, we had an early departure, 7.00 on Sunday morning, which none of us particularly liked. What we liked even less was the weather forecast (heavy snowing) and what we saw out there when we woke up (heavy snowing, surprisingly). Well, I am exaggerating a bit there, it was just a few snow flakes in Lancaster, but it was turning into a mild-with-a-tendency-of-bad blizzard as we were approaching our destination. So there we were, a crew of four, namely team Niksneb Nosnibor alias Pete & Clare and Big Fat Bitches alias myself & Spider, travelling northeast and moaning about the weather.
As usually, the first task was to sort out my hired bike, which fortunately wasn’t taxing this time, since the hiring shop was right near the registration point. I got a nice Merida for 17 quid and a good luck wish for free.
Before we arrived, we were all hoping that most of the people will give up because of the weather, but that is probably what everyone else was relying on, so we found the car park full of cars loaded with top range bicycles and an exquisite selection of lycra-clad men. Hmmmm. Definitely worth a look. Some of them even two:).
I slacked the preparations, but at least I’ve enhanced my gear kit, so that I did not have to ask Pete for every single bit. I bought myself a helmet and a little rucksack with a hydration system, you know, all those flashy hill walkers sucking the hoses. Anyway, not recommended for low temperatures, unless you manage to squeeze some ice out of that flashy hose. I did not.
Since by the time we made our way to the start it was snowing heavily, we decided to cycle first to avoid extra effort of cycling in deeper snow later. We decided on the approximate route and off we went, collecting the precious points. Until yesterday, I have never really cycled in snow, because at home there is either no snow, or there is so much of it, that it makes cycling impossible. Here we had some 5-6 cm of snow and more still to come from the “fluffy clouds”. Being a snow-cycling novice, I did not know how the bike would behave on this “surface”, but I learnt very quickly, my first fall was well within first few minutes, still near the start and to the great delight of both photographers, waiting to take the best shot. After they took zillions of shots of me with my limbs spread on the ground, they did not forget to ask if I was ok:)
I have to say I was quite pleased with the way the race was going, at least our navigation seemed to be much better this time and we were finding the controls rather quickly (with the aid of tyre tracks and footprints in the snow). My bike was working well, even the gear shifting was perfect, after I realised I don’t need to use full force like on my “commuting” bike. So the overall pleasure from cycling was only occasionally spoiled by skidding, blocked brake pads or iced snow blown in the face by a strong wind. Otherwise everything was fine, now I regret that I did not take in the surroundings a bit more, it was amazing, coniferous forest with giant spruces covered in freshly fallen snow, the most idyllic winter picture indeed. Alas, we did not come there to watch the beauty!
After picking up all the controls that we could we returned to the transition, had a banana, checked briefly the running route and set off. This time we only had 1 and half hour for running, which still proved more than enough to my untrained body. We met some serious competitors on the way; a guy had a girl attached to him on the rope to help her running faster! Not that we were taking it easy, but enough is enough, I did not feel like pulling Spider at all. We picked up four controls on feet and headed back to make it on time and not to get any penalties. No time for frolicking in snow whatsoever. At the end I was really digging deep, but finally we made it to the finish and it was over. We rushed to the car park to meet Niksneb Nosnibor and to the shelter to (in no particular order) have a nice cup of coffee, do a bit of bird watching and to download our dibbers, full of expectations.
I don’t need to say how disappointed we were when we found out that not only we did not beat NN, but we did not beat anybody else:(. We came last and I was overwhelmed with a mixture of feelings, a bit of pride for completing it in such conditions, a bit of shame for coming last and a great deal of curiosity what sort of superhumans were the winners with their score of 470 points! It wasn’t a happy end, but nevertheless I had a great time and good fun. One has to remind oneself that one is competing with the top of the top in the NW and to get higher up the result list one has to move one’s arse.Or alternatively, Spider suggested he could have a sex change and BFB could compete in the female pairs category (it belongs there by name anyway) where there is much less competition.

For the future here is the BFB’s vision:

- We’ll be trying hard not to get any worse results than those we got so far (it’s hardly possible)

- We’ll be working on Spider’s gender transformation

So far so good. We’ll see what the next stage brings. See you again in May!

…and by the way, link to race report and picture gallery will be provided soon, I believe some of my female readers would not like to miss lycra men on the catwalk!