Loud and Clear...

Today was very gloomy day. Not because of the weather, which is so much unlike spring, but because of the morning event. The day started alright though; I had a pleasant bike ride to work, wrapped myself in many layers and went on with cutting the rushes in the corner of the field. Then the boss came and it’s what he told me that made me extremely upset. I told him about my Friday job interview yesterday and he seemed to be fine with it. Only after he slept on it and did a bit of thinking, he changed his mind. Today he came with a suggestion that we will make my post at his business casual rather than permanent, because I started volunteering at National Trust one day a week and I am leaving out days every now and then to attend to job interviews. As he put it, by doing that I am not showing enough commitment for my current job. I don’t know what else he has said because by that time I was squatting on the ground and my eyes full of tears, sobbing regardless of his presence. It confused him a bit and he started waffling about how he has not seen the cats for a few days and how the weather is getting warmer, but I did not respond to anything so he walked away. And I was there, sitting on the ground and crying over something that I was striving for since I came to this country. Basically, he is not happy with me applying for jobs and going to the interviews, because that means a potential loss of an employee, who he can rely on, who works hard and who works for peanuts, thus very difficult to be replaced. He is convinced, that he can offer me better career prospect than anybody else. Barrowing manure and clipping fruit bushes. I wonder what the promotion would bring. I was never really ambitious and career driven, but I aspire for a bit more that that. I have two degrees for God’s sake! I dislike using argument of having such and such degrees to prove intelligence or ability, but if I wanted to dedicate my life to barrowing manure, I would hardly ever have gone to the university and underwent what I have undergone in order to have enough money for tuition fees. I did not work as a domestic cleaner in Manchester for two years and as office cleaner while studying for nothing, certainly not to become a gardener. Nothing against gardeners, it is a lovely job giving awesome results, but first someone will have to prove to me, that I can’t do anything better than that and then I’ll be happy to do the gardening for the rest of my life. Only a foolish person would be so naïve and suppose that I will linger in that job for years to come. I think I made it crystal clear at the beginning, hinting that it is not exactly my dream job, but I will be happy to do it until something better turns up. Certainly happier than working in the retail at Moto Forton services, which was my other option. Once you are turned down your JSA claim and you are on the brink of existential problems, you can’t be very picky.

So all my joy and pride and satisfaction of getting interview again was instantly abused, torn, smashed, beaten and trodden upon. That is why the tears came without warning. Why should I feel bad for pursuing my dream!? The organic fruit farming business is his dream, and I am helping him to achieve it as good as I can. I am now old enough to know that first of all I have to watch my own interest to achieve my goals and then consider others. I am not person without a backbone; I try never to harm anybody else, so why do I never get the same treatment?

Just how many more years will I have to live in this country to be accepted and respected like anybody else? To hell with all the equal opportunities which everyone boasts about practicing! The reality is very different. “Oh, you are from Slovakia” (you can feel that disappointment, pity and anxiety about contagious diseases almost palpably). I am fed up to the marrow of my bones with having to prove myself all the time. On a day like today I feel like booking the first available ticket home and leave for good. Fortunately, I am a fighter, so as soon as the tears dry out, the wound heals and the skin becomes tougher, less penetrable, more resistant and stronger. So in fact, these people are actually helping me to work harder and get even more motivation. All those who consider me being inferior should reconsider. They should spend some time thinking about if and when they had courage to leave their home country and went to study in a language that is not their native language, managed to get the degree and started building their career. Without a support and presence of their family and people they left behind. The world is not revolving around the UK as many people seem to think, I am British, and who is more kind of attitude.

Yes, acceptance and recognition is what I was striving for and I thought I succeeded, yet today was the day when the pink bubbles burst once again. There is this person who I know who keeps referring to people from my country as dirty Slovaks and dodgy people and I am often wondering if it is meant as a joke, or is he expressing the well established public opinion.

How could I have a healthy confidence when my person, origin, appearance, behaviour and language are so many times frowned upon? Who gives all these people right to be so condescending and deny the equality of all human beings?

After boss left I was engaging my mind with this for the rest of the day and slowly but surely I fished out several “incidents” well embedded in my memory. Such as my ex-housemate offering me a fiver for cleaning his room, my current housemate saying she could not believe I (!!) got a job interview, or one of my ex-housemates annoyed with being beaten in the general knowledge board game “ EVEN by Lenka”. I think it is extremely rude and offensive. I am not the brightest person in this universe, but neither am I the dumbest one. So why all the humiliation and arrogance? How did I deserve it? How does the command of foreign language reflect the mental ability? I am sick of all those people thinking that I am just about good enough to do manual labour, at most. Sod all you narrow-minded and self-centred people who don’t see further than the tip of your nose!

I am turning 26 on Sunday, the age in which many people have well established careers, secure income etc. I am still at the beginning and there is a long way to go, but I believe that with the plentiful help of many “nice” people I have come across and who I am yet to meet, I will sooner or later get where I want to be.

Done. The last bitter drop of anger was squeezed from my heart.